Happy Holidays!

It was still dark outside when we left for the hospital. There was a light drizzle that made the road reflect the street lights. We passed sleepy shopping strips with their christmas lit stores and deserted parking lots. All the world seemed to be waiting, breath held, for the sun to rise and usher in the first day of our festive season.

It was 5 AM, far too early for the rest of the world. No school buses ran, the traffic was light, rush hour would be leisurely as most businesses wound down for the holiday.

Surgery was scheduled for 7:30 AM, but there were delays and we sat and waited, watching the closed captioned words typing across the silent TV screen in the OR waiting room until nearly 9 AM.

Then they took him away. The procedure was simple. A fissure had opened in his mouth and they went in to attempt to close it. The fissure was allowing everything he swallowed to come back up out of his nose, a great party trick, but a drowning hazard. So they went in and closed it up.

We stayed until late afternoon, then I was allowed to take him home with me.

Today we are preparing for dinner at my mother's, she has made some things just for him to eat. It looks like we will be home for Christmas but since we have hardly had time to shop so we will celebrate late.

I already have the greatest gift I could have asked for. A day of watching The Muppet's Christmas Carol and It's a Wonderful Life with my baby by my side.

It is a wonderful life.

Happy Holidays to you all.
May your day be blessed with happiness and peace.

dec 20 update

hello, It's O.
I'm sorry for the absence of updates. T of course has hardly been online, and also she has not wanted to update, and so she has asked me not to.

The good news is her son came home, and is so, so happy to be home. It's helped all of them so much to have him at home. It's helped him tremendously psychologically to be home and with his family and amongst familiar things and people.
He doesn't sleep well and at night he has nightmares about being at the hospital.

The whole family decorated the house and they have a christmas tree up. You can see it in the picture.

If you look at the picture you can see some swelling under his eyes. We learned today that he has an eye infection, and some other troubles. This is because of the extensive facial damage he had.

So, he needs surgery again on Friday. This will mean Christmas in the hospital for everyone.

T is very grateful to everyone who has commented and written her. She checks her email every couple of days, and every day I read her comments left for her here or on my blog or elsewhere.
I want everyone reading this to know, and a certain person in particular, that T has received all emails she's been sent, and is very, very grateful for all the wishes expressed for her son--as am I. If she is not in touch with you personally right away it is only because she has so many things to do, and no time to answer any emails at all.

I will be visiting T as soon as possible; unfortunately some events in my own life mean I can't be there now before January 4th, although we had planned for months that I would be there for Christmas. I would come now to be there for the surgery or for Christmas, whatever T needed me for, but I would have to leave after only a couple of days, and we've decided it's better if I come later and then stay for much longer. I can't afford both trips, and if I go later at least I will be there for longer and also be there for her birthday.

Please keep T and her family in your thoughts, and wish them well, especially Friday. Thank you all, for everything.

Love
O

hi

hi, it's O. T hasn't wanted to update, and will probably be mad at me for updating here now. But she did leave a comment on me tonight, and so I wanted to put part of it here for the many people who I know are concerned about her, and would not necessarily be looking at comments on my blog for updates. I speak to her every two hours or so, but obviously we aren't talking about blogging.

I feel bad for doing this without permission, but also, I know many people are concerned about what's going on. I am sure everyone understands that T doesn't herself have time to be in touch yet. This is the relevant part of the comment she left on my blog:

I just wanted to come here and thank everyone who was kind enough to send their healing vibes our way and to those wonderful people who took the time to click the link and leave a comment I want to send a special thank you. I can't begin to express how wonderful I felt as O read your comments and emails to me over the phone. We just got home from the hospital and I had the singular joy of tucking my baby into his own bed. I owe you all a debt of gratitude. I understand that even the atheists were praying for us;) Well it worked! Your positive energy surrounded us and insulated us through this difficult time.

Tonight I am going to just lay down and listen to his breathing, then, in the next day or two, I will be by to comment on you all and answer the emails.

I know she wants everyone to know how much she appreciates your good thoughts for them. I hope she'll forgive me for posting this here. I know people have been looking for updates, but I haven't wanted to post anything without her express permission, and blogging just has not been a topic that we've talked about much. She did leave this as part of a public comment, so that's why I'm posting it.

Thank you all again, for reading and commenting and emailing, and keeping T and her family in your thoughts. She is deeply grateful, as am I.

O

monday update--good news

He's sitting up and they've taken the breathing tube out, awake and conscious and talking. T is at the hospital and has been since he woke up. I'll update more when there's more news, but right now: things are very, very good. Yay!

love
O

saturday update

(read from bottom up)
**************************

7.30pm: he's in the second surgery (the first went well) and this one is going to take 5 or 6 hours. T and her family will be sleeping at the hospital. She sounds completely shattered with exhaustion but also can't sit still. But everything is going very well, as well as it possibly could be, so this is all good news. Thanks again. --O
***************************

5PM: new update:

He's actually going to have two surguries today, and the first is only just now starting. This one is to repair one of the new fractures they discovered: he's broken one of the bones in his arm.

2. after that procedure they will have another one to work on the fractured bones in his face. As mentioned the facial injuries are extensive and this is going to be only the first of the surgeries he'll need for that over the coming months. Again though, as with the arm, this isn't anything like the first surgery which was for immediate life-threatening issues. This will all take a few hours but I will let you know as soon as there's news.

3. As below: he's been awake and talking without being entirely conscious or aware of where he is or what's going on. He keeps asking for T even though she's right there; he just seems to need to keep her in his line of vision and holding his hand. He seems to think he's in his room at home.

thank you to everyone who has commented so far; T will be very happy.

best
O

*********************************
saturday 1.30 pm
Hi, it's O. All good news here.

1. T's son is having more surgery this afternoon, to work on some of the facial injuries.

2. His liver had been almost severed, but had been sutured during the first surgery and they say it's healing amazingly well. In general his recovery is just amazingly rapid, because he's so young.

3. He has some more fractured bones than they noticed at first, but they said today that they're no longer worried about any spinal cord injuries.

4. He's awake but not completely conscious. He's moving around and restless, he is sitting up, trying to pull out his breathing tube, and asking for his mother.

I'll post again when he's out of surgery. thanks to everyone

best,
O

update - HNT

10.43 PM wednesday:
(hi, it's O)
T is on her way back to the hospital to see her son. She was awake for something like 36 hours straight and at the hospital for almost all of it, and only just grabbed 3 hours sleep. I've spoken to her probably every two hours or so. This is the first chance I've had to get reliable internet access and check with her about how much detail she wanted to share. I'm very sorry not to have posted more information immediately but I have not wanted to post the exact details without her express permission to do so.
She asked me to, and said I should do a list:

I mentioned that his internal injuries were (and are) severe. This is the list:

1. The most serious concern--the immediately life-threatening one-- when he went into surgery was the hemorrhaging from his lacerated liver. The doctors initially expected that it might not be savable, and this would have been very, very bad given how rare liver transplants are. But they successfully sutured his liver and stopped the bleeding.

2. The second concern, the other immediately life-threatening one, was the amount of blood he lost. He lost 4 units of blood internally. The human body only has 8, to give a perspective on this.

the blood loss came from a number of places internally. Here's the list:

3. his spleen. They thought he would lose that as well, but they were able to save it.

4. his kidneys are bruised and have blood in them, but fortunately are not lacerated.

5. His lungs are bruised and there are contusions on both; this is why he was expelling blood.

Other issues:

6. subluxation (sp?? I wrote this down while we were on the phone--)--
There is a shift in the way the discs in his neck lie along his spinal cord. This is why he's in the neck collar in the picture below, to keep him from moving and potentially causing damage to his spinal cord. Obviously this is a concern, but they haven't even had time to worry about or treat this, as it is not life-threatening. Immediately after the surgery they administered a paralytic drug to keep him from moving.

7. Almost every bone in his face is fractured, including his jaw. He has lost almost all his upper teeth, and everything in front. His lower lip is evulsed (sp?) which means split entirely down the middle.

8. They've administered a drug which is an amnesiac: i had no idea they could do that. He is heavily sedated--morphine--for pain. i know morphine sedation will also affect your memory in places, but apparently this is something seperate they give with the sole intent that when he wakes up he won't remember any of it or any of the pain he's been in.

The upshot is that even with all of this, he is incredibly, extravagently, phenomenally lucky.
T and her family went to the site of the accident, which is all marked off.

The distance between where his bike was and where he ultimately landed is sixty feet.

He was not wearing a helmet, and he was not wearing leather or any protective clothing.
He is extraordinarily lucky to have landed as he did, as awful as his injuries are.

He also has extensive "road burn": the lacerations and loss of skin that happen when skin meets asphalt. This is very painful in itself, and yet it's still the least of his injuries.

he is off the paralytic now and though he's not conscious per se he can hear and respond to people. He can move his fingers and toes when asked.
T tells me that when she tickles his feet and asks him to move them he won't--but when his sister holds his hand and tells him to squeeze it he does.
I told her this shows that on some level he's still well enough to ignore his mother, which proves he's still very much himself. It was very good to hear her laugh.

She has read all the comments everyone left and apart from when she first got the news, and when he was in surgery, it was the closest I've heard her to completely breaking down. She is intensely grateful to everyone for all their support and I know she will thank you all herself when she is able to. She is convinced an angel was watching out for him and that all your good thoughts have helped him too.

As T's friend and someone who loves her and her family very much, i am also very grateful for everyone who commented--or who didn't but kept this in your thoughts. Thank you, so much.

O



Visit the man Osbasso
Thanks to you all for your support!
~T

thoughts for Tricia and family

Update: 10:38 AM
My brother said to me after his motorcycle accident that he would never ride again. He said that the problem with bikes is that if you hit anything -- you lose.
If anything or anyone hits you -- you lose.
With nothing to protect your body but a helmet and some leather you will always come out of every accident as the loser.

Last night my son lost.




O or I will update as we can. She is exhausted from staying up with me all night on the phone.

I thank you all for your kind words and well wishes.
They mean the world to us both.

~T

--------------------------------------------------------


hello, I'm Tricia's friend O and she asked me to post for her tonight. Her oldest son was in a bike accident tonight and is going into surgery now. Things aren't as bad as they could be, but they are quite serious.

I know he and T both would appreciate you keeping him in your thoughts at this time. Please leave a comment for him if you read this, I know T would like to show him everyone's good wishes (and she would appreciate the support too; as you can imagine she is very worried.)I know T has always been grateful to all her readers for their love and support, and feels blessed to have you as friends. This would mean a lot to her.

I'll update when and as I have more information. T asked me to put up a post but I don't know how much detail she wanted me to give. As soon as I speak to her again I will update.


thanks in advance,
O

Update 12:10 AM: It's much worse than they initially thought; his internal injuries are extensive.
T asks for your thoughts and prayers.

1.30 AM: Hooray!! He's out of surgery, they were able to stop the hemorrhaging. He did have a lot of blood loss, and there's still a lot of stuff going on but none of it as potentially severe as the internal stuff, and the surgery was successful though it they were not sure at first that it would be. Tricia will post the details, this was the info she asked me to post.

Gathering HNT 2

What do you get when you gather a bunch of blogging girls, lots of apple martinis, jello shooters - and a can of reddy whip?




Jamie and I sharing like good Sexy Tomatoes should!
Margaritaville really does Rock!


I would tell you if I could remember.

Happy HNT!

See the man himself.
Osbasso



The SEXY TOMATOES are back and better than ever.
Come visit!

Meaning

Let me tell you this once
(I will not be able to say it again):
I have lost the meaning of words.
Heavy, they ripped
away from the sounds,
fell into cracked ground.
Naming~~ Nancy Mair




Lately it seems as if words have lost their meaning. Where once there was a wealth, seemingly endless, now there is a dearth. I feel emptied and exhausted.

I do wonder about the words we choose to use in our relationships. Words that have been uttered so many times that their meanings have lost any specific truth in our world. These words designed to hurt, we use again and again. Because they achieve a desired result. Their concrete meaning is no longer considered, they connect only to some Pavlovian reaction that has been learned over time.

And the words of love that used to penetrate? I long to feel their power again.
A wrenching power that could effect me in so many ways. Have I gone numb?
Have words lost their power over me. Have they lost their meaning?

Or am I lost?

Death and Beauty

The death of Jeff Buckley reads like a tragedy.
He was just at the start of an incredible career when he drowned in Memphis Tennessee in 1997. After leaving Orange County California and making his home in the East Village in New York he was just beginning to achieve International Renown when he died tragically.

He was 31 years old.

See Jeff Buckley speaking about his love of music in this video called GRACE.

It was a dark and stormy night...

When the group of ghoulish friends met in the Great Hall.

The fun and festivities begin tonight.
Don't be late...

Mwahahaha

Round 14

I Love Halloween!


And so, to honor this wonderfully dark holiday, I have invited a friend of mine to do the honors and start Round 14.


I would like to introduce you all to Ralph.

Ralph lives under my bed.

When I was little he used to like to scare the hell out of me, but you know, as I got older we kinda became buds.


So last night I was laying in bed... and Ralph was under it... and I was pondering how to begin this round, when my old pal Ralph said that he might be able to help.

You see he is a master of all things scary.

So, well, I guess they're all yours Ralph






Hello my lovelies and welcome to the monstrously wonderful Round Fourteen.

I'm expecting lots of tricks AND treats for this round.
I know you won't let me down... otherwise I might have to pick up a couple of my ghoulfriends and make a stop under your bed tonight! heheh

The Wicked Wench... a girl after my own heart (if I had one) has turned in her word list for our scrutiny.

I think you'll find her choices amusing...


CONSTERNATION
FABULOUS
ARDUOUS
EDIFY
STITCHES
INCLINE
RAFTERS
AMICABLE



Now isn't that so sweet... heheh
Such FABULOUS words... I'm almost swinging from the RAFTERS!

Well my dear BATTY girl... that just won't do!

Not at a time as special to me as Halloween.

So what's say we put a catty little spin on The Olde Town Wench and send this thing spiralling into the macabre.

The genre for Round 14 is HORROR!

All stories must be scary... and believe me... I know SCARY!

Don't disappoint me... I just so happen to have a bag of hungry black spiders to turn loose on anyone who dares to offend my demonic senses.

Muwahahaha


When the clock strikes twelve on Friday night, the forum will be closed for voting.


Anyone who has not submitted a story can be expecting me to arrive under their beds at 1AM sharp...

or maybe the closet... I do so love closets!







Alex and Jack had been dating on and off since they were sixteen, but this recent breakup had turned what started as an amicable split into something dark and painful.
For Alex the breakup had become arduous, and frankly, exhausting.

It wasn't like they had never broken up before? This was just the first time that SHE had initiated the split-- and Jack was pissed!

At first she felt kind of sorry for him, but now he was REALLY losing it.
Jack was already inclined to get violent with her when he felt that she was challenging his authority. He used brutal tactics to edify his masculine strength over her. And it had worked for years. She was terrified of him.

When she started going out with Brad Feckinger, or Peckinger or Fuckinger, as Jack liked to call him, she thought it best not to let Jack know.

This had been no easy feat considering that Jack had taken to following her around everywhere, and popping up unexpectedly when she was out with her friends.
She and Brad had done a good job of sneaking around behind Jack's back, at least until tonight.

They had decided to go out to dinner then head to the old school house, to be alone and probably make out in Brad's car. She invited her best friend Tammi to come along. Tammi was worried about 'the Jack situation', as she called it. She had begged Alex to get a restraining order or something, but Alex was afraid that it might aggravate Jack more. He was bound to give up on her sooner or later and find someone else to terrorize.

So tonight Tammi had come along, dragging her boyfriend Larry with her.

The night had started off fabulously. They had gone to Dominic's Pizza, Jack's least favorite restaurant, and had pizza and beer.
They drank way too much, but it was the first time that they were actually out in public together as a couple and it felt good. Brad kept her in stitches all evening, he was really funny and he could do the best impressions. Larry was starting to get wasted and kept making Brad do impressions of some of their friends. Then he did an impression of Jack, and not just any impression, he did Jack nancing around like a girl, complaining about how the humidity was making his hair frizz. Alex was laughing so hard that at first she didn't see Jack sitting at the booth in the corner. When she finally stopped laughing and turned towards the loud boom from the corner booth it was too late. Jack was out of his seat and striding towards the door.

"What the fuck was he doing here?" Tammi asked, her words slurring together.
"I don't know" Alex answered. "Maybe we should just call it a night, what do you think?"
"Screw him", Larry bellowed a little too loudly, causing heads to turn in their direction.
"I say we go to the school house and party!"

They paid the bill and went out the back door of Dominic's. They didn't see any sign of Jack as they crossed the parking lot towards Brad's old, beat up Toyota.

Larry tended to think the girls were a little dramatic about 'the Jack situation', but even he had to admit it was getting out of control when he saw the headlights of Jack's truck following them up the dirt road to the school house.

Alex was terrified and wanted to turn around and go home, but Larry said to keep going and he would get out and talk to Jack when they got there.

And he did. And they hadn't seen him since. As 15 minutes dragged into half an hour they began to realize that something was seriously wrong.

"I'll go check on Larry", Brad said to the two terrified girls in the car with him.
"No", Alex was scared and didn't want to be here any more. "Let's just go get the police."
"Oh my god! We are not leaving Larry here with that freak!" Linda was getting hysterical and starting to sound desperate. "I'll go get him", she said grabbing the handle and flinging the door open wide.

As the light came on inside the car, Brad saw Alex's face. Her mascara was smeared on her cheeks; she had a look of consternation on her normally perky face.
He looked up at Tammi standing in the open door. She was absolutely petrified. "Forget it. I'll go", he said with a sound of bravado that he wasn't really feeling. He made the girls lock the car before he left them.

When another fifteen minutes had passed and there was still no sign of Larry, or Brad for that matter, the girls decided to do what Alex had asked in the first place and head back to get the cops.

As Alex climbed into the driver's seat she reached down to turn on the ignition.
No keys.
"Oh Jesus, fuck!"

She glanced at the rearview mirror and saw the hunched figure of Jack staring back at her through the tinted glass.

She let out a loud scream just as a crowbar came slamming into the passenger's side window. The blow shattered the glass and hit Tammi hard on the side of her head, making a trickle of blood run down the side of her face. She stared at Alex with a dazed look on her face, as if she didn't know exactly where she was or how she got here. Jack reached in the window and began pulling Tammi out through the shattered hole. The shards of glass caught on Tammi's jeans shredding through both denim and skin as he hoisted her limp body out of the car.

"I'll be back for you bitch", Jack growled at her through the broken, bloody mess that used to be a window.

She was staring at him, her blue eyes shining in shock, not a sound coming from her throat. She couldn't have made a sound if she tried, it was like her throat was locked tight.
She watched in horror as Jack dragged Tammi's body by the hair, randomly stopping and swinging his crowbar down on her head as he pulled her towards the woods.

When Jack disappeared behind the trees Alex snapped to.
What the Fuck?
She grabbed the door handle and began to jiggle it, forgetting for a moment how to work the old manual contraption.

Then she reached up and pulled the lock and swung the door open wide. In the same gesture she jumped out of the car and started to run as fast as she could, in the opposite direction that Jack went.

She managed to slide her way blindly down a slope of evergreen needles when she heard, first, the crash of Jack's weight on the broken branches along the forest floor, then his harsh breathing as he closed the distance between them.

She was trying to run, but the thick branches were slowing her down.
She could hear Jack right behind her. A burst of adrenalin hit her legs and she began to run faster, then she felt the sharp pain as Jack drove his knife into the small of her back.

She fell to the ground, moaning in pain. Jack grabbed her by the hair and dragged her back to the school house to hang her from the rafters with the others.

Maria!

Happy late Musical Monday!

Updated: Replaced the removed video with the new HD version.

Touch

Just as it is recognized that a newborn will not thrive without touch, it is also recognized that no relationship can thrive without it either.

Touch is the key to intimacy.

We have all seen it. We sit in a bar or a restaurant and our gaze is captured at the sight of a man reaching out to caress a woman, to run his fingers through her hair, we are affected by this vision. We cannot help but long to be touched in the same way. A touch can give one the feeling of being cherished, of being treasured. And isn't that what we all long for?

I watched an elderly couple recently while I was vacationing in Savannah. Teenagers and young adults with children were running all around us, pulsating with youth and excitement, their lust for life resounding against the brick wall as I sat outside having a drink under a canopy of trees. But my eyes and attention were drawn to this elderly couple. He held her hand as they crossed the road slowly. He was obviously much stronger than she and he was guiding her gently, and lovingly, across the crosswalk, talking to her, she was smiling up at him. I got a lump in my throat from watching. I watched how they touched each other so openly, as if it were a habit, that both were not even concious of the beauty they exuded in their devotion to one another.

They did not see me watching them, they did not seem to notice the rush of the crowd around them-- they were simply lost in that moment. Lost within each other. And you could tell that this was not unusual for them. Two people who had built a world around themselves. That they had made their love, and each other, the center of their universe. In their love and devotion they had isolated themselves and insulated themselves.

Touch is the key to intimacy.

I do wonder how we have gotten so far from that. How it suddenly became so difficult to just reach out and touch one another.

I have been studying Tantric Touch and Massage Therapy. I looked into it as an alternative to sex therapists. I don't think there is anything wrong with Sex Therapy, don't get me wrong. I just wonder that we (the collective we, not personal) would need to bring in a third person to show us how to make love to each other. It seemed to me that this would break intimacy down more than build it. I thought of all of the ways that we might build intimacy and finding Tantric and Massage therapy, I felt that this would be the best way to rebuild such intimacy into our lives and relationships. To help two people regain their sense of touch and security. To become comfortable with each other in a world where everyone is fighting for their 'space'.

These are a few of my thoughts on the subject.

I would welcome your thoughts on, not only touch, but intimacy in general.

Technorati Tags: Love, Intimacy, Relationships, Touch, Tantric Massage, Savannah, Beautiful

Round Nine

He stared over the rail at the bloody mess.
He had missed his target completely.
He could see her body lying on the rock below, crumpled like a broken doll.

The moon was just beginning to rise and the weak light made the engagement ring on her finger glow, like a metallic beacon, begging to be discovered.

He had chosen this side of the canyon because of the jagged peaks and salient outcroppings. This is one area that climbers avoided and the possibility of rockslides made it too perilous for rafting.

What were the chances that someone might pass by or get a flat tire and just happen to glance down from this high, rugged apex and notice a body below?

Well, up until now, the chances would have been pretty damn slim. There was no sign of the others from here. He had rushed too much this time. It was just becoming so easy that he was beginning to get sloppy.

Just like usual, he had smashed her face with a brick to hush her screaming and then, when he had finished doing what he wanted to her, he had brought her here to join the others. The difference between her and the rest of them, besides the fact that she wasn't a whore, was that stupid purple damask dress she was still wearing. It stood out like a neon sign as she lay on the rock below, eye's wide open to the incipient moon.

He had stripped the others.
He used to be afraid of getting caught. He had made sure that he hosed them down and had dropped them further down the canyon, where the water was deeper. Once the bodies had smashed through the trees they could not be seen from the road.

Damn, now what would he do?

He pulled out a cigarette and his lighter. As he lit the cigarette, the flame illuminated his face in the night. He had a face that was almost angelic, but his big brown eyes appeared troubled. Standing on the side of the road next to his van he could have been a college kid with a flat tire or just you're average twenty-something who had run out of gas and was waiting for a friend to pick him up.

He turned and leaned over the rail to look at her body again.

Shit, what a mess.

Her head was lying at an odd angle and the muddy water lapped at the fringe of black hair hanging over the edge of the rock.

She definitely had a broken neck.

Well, there was nothing he could do about it now. Even if he managed to make his way down there to move her, without breaking his own neck, he would never be able to climb back out and he was not about to spend the fucking night down there with them.

He took a last drag off of the cigarette and flicked it over the rail.
He heard the sound as it hit the water beside her head and was snuffed out by the foul river water.

He'd better get home and start packing.

He knew that it was time to move along again.

NYC HNT

I'm not ready to make nice,
I'm not ready to back down,
I'm still mad as hell
And I don't have time
To go round and round and round
It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
Cause I'm mad as hell
Can't bring myself to do what it is
You think I should

And how in the world
Can the words that I said
Send somebody so over the edge
That they'd write me a letter
Saying that I better shut up and sing
Or my life will be over
The Dixie Chicks

Recently I went to visit my brilliant friend in New York.
She and I had a blast together! She took this picture of me in the fountain at Washington Square Park. There was a movie crew there that day. As I stood in the freezing water trying to figure out what the cameras were shooting I had a tap on the shoulder from one of the crew. She said that I was in the middle of the scene, could I please stop starng at the camera. Heh!

I never thought to ask what movie they were shooting (I was too busy trying not to look at the cameras). Perhaps someday we'll see this same shot in a movie somewhere. Now wouldn't that be interesting?


Happy HNT everyone!

See the man himself! Osbasso!

Salvation

My blood runs, thick as stones
Gathering round that place where
souls scream at the rising sun

Where life meets death
in heart wrenching communion
twisted into unwilling submission


Life is like the mighty oak and we are no more than leaves. We are born and, when the time comes, we must whither and fall, nourishing the buds to come and making room on those branches for new growth, new life. Our own tenuous vibrancy faded, we bow and retreat to the vigor of youth, knowing our place as we do. Even now as we are still hale and vibrant, we have accepted that this is the way of it. We will do our duty and turn to dust, and we can only hope that we can do it with grace and dignity, leaving those who are left behind without guilt and with as little pain as possible.

We are Celts, and so we continue the tradition of the Celtic Cross, the Tree of Life. The four seasons branching out from the central circle, representing the sun, the all embracing light. We go in death as in life, through the cycles of life, seasons and generations all springing from that central core. All returning to it at the end of our days.

My Epiphany

Christopher Walken is a God.


Christopher Walken gets a call from Marlon Brando on David Letterman - VIDEO



Check out who I'm talking to now:
Interviews From The Edge on Youtube or on Google+


Update 8-21-2014 - added video and html format changes.

HNT - Phoenix Erotica

Phoenix Erotica
Our meeting was a conception
Though we knew it not
Gestation in the park
Not quite hand-in-hand

We were born into fire
Out of Passion's furnace
We burst forth in ecstacy
Proclaiming Love's power
Samuel Wright 11/13/05
Phoenix Erotica

Visit Osbasso and see how it's done.

Tattoo - Musical Monday

Bad idea, what was I thinking when I made no move that day
I just watched did not touch, too scared to steal you away
How was I to know how fast the years would go, how long we'd be apart?
How your voice your smile your every move would stay engraved upon my heart
Tattoo
Copyright 2006 by Bud Buckley

Listen to Tattoo --> Tattoo

I've featured Bud Buckley on Musical Monday before but I thought that today I'd let him take over and tell us a little bit about how he hones his craft.
These lyrics came about while I was at the end of recording my first CD, Feel My Love. My producer, Mark Zampella, was trying to get me to accept a track I was not very happy with. I was out of time and money to make a do over. He said, "Are you gonna do another CD after this?" I assured him I'd have to just to prove I could do better.

"Then it's like my tattoo," he said.

"Huh?" I wondered. I am tattooless and don't completely understand them. Both my kids and their spouses and a large number of my friends have them. I don't ask them to explain. My daughter told me recently that it's kind of addictive. People's addictions are personal so I left it at that, imagining a future generation of grandparents covered in ink. But whatever.

"People sometimes ask me if I regret these tattoos," Mark said gesturing to some on his legs. "And I tell them no because it represents who and where I was then. And I moved on."

"So that's what my recordings are like? Permanent fixtures of who I was then and I can either feel stuck with them or embrace them?"

"Yup."

"That's a wrap then."

I started to write Tattoo not long after that. My Cathy jumped on it immediately and loved the idea that she is a permanent fixture on me and in me.

This is the newest version of this song. Recorded in NY a few weeks ago in the home studio of Helen Avakian. Helen is an award winning singer/songwriter and one of my dearest friends in NY. She was my former guitar teacher. I went to NY last month to have her arrange some tunes for my new CD. This one was her favorite and we spent two full days adjusting the lyrics and getting down these tracks. Her husband, Terry Champlin, a composer and classical guitar teacher at Vassar College, did the mix.

I simplified the way I usually play it live, doing just a unadorned rhythm guitar track first. I then added two tracks of guitar, one classical and one steel string. The vocal is pretty dry and I haven't messed with any harmonies yet. That will come. Helen added a bass track which I hope you can hear on your connection. She also added some light percussion. We'll redo the whole thing up in Woodstock at NRS studios when I can book some time in the spring.

The Psychology of Perception

"However cleverly you sneak up on a mirror...
your reflection always looks you straight in the eye."
Louis Cyphre
Angel Heart




We evolve in a web. We spread ourselves out and bask in the sun, we reach out to touch one another, never truly knowing what it is that we show of ourselves to the world.

And then it happens...

We are forced to look at ourselves through the eyes of another and suddenly the face that we know, the face of ourselves on the inside, is slowly reversed and we can finally see what others see of us.

I find it amusing to watch this happen. Sadly amusing.

The mind's eye is deceitful. It shows us a face we can live with. It shows us a face that we have intentionally polished so that we may sleep... when sleep will have us. But what do we do when the mirror's reflection shows us to be the ugly creatures we truly are?

My suggestion... change.

Else crash that betraying mirror and continue to pervert the self image. The Id will prevail, bent on self gratification and aggression, with little more than a thought to future consequence.

It feels so good to let the Id have its way with us. All satisfaction and no responsibility.

It is The Pleasure Principle.
It is without reason.

Good Doll

Happy HNT!


I've wondered why my eyes will not close when I lie down at night. Why it is so difficult to make myself move with just a thought. Why I have no appetite for desire. None of my usual lust for exploring.

I have reached my spirit upward and followed the brightest star in the darkened night sky. That is how I came to be wishing upon a planet. I wondered why my dreams weren't coming true.

Yet I was, and remain just so...
A Good Doll.

Jump!

You can see the post of Noonie's visit with me here.

And the video!
Girls Gone Wild!!!!


A message from Noonie...




Saturday 16th September 2006 I shall be jumping out of a plane at 10,000 feet, strapped to an expert... I hope... all for charity.

I have set myself a goal, to raise £10,000 in a year for Cancerbackup. This charity is amazing, they were my main source of information written in understandable language. They have a 24hour helpline to call and sometimes it's easy to forget how important it is to support the charities that support the people who have, think they have or have a relative with cancer. Cancerbackup is available to anyone who has the internet. Nearly all the leaflets I found useful that were handed out at hospital were written by them. If you want to see the site go here...

If you would like to support my Leap please visit my page for donations. This is a clever system that means I don't have to collect in money from folks far afield and my friends all over the world can support me.

I'd really like to reach at least £2000 before I leap.

Find me at Noonie's Leap

Please go encourage Noonie.
Not only is she herself a cancer survivor, but also the mother of a cancer survivor.
You see Noonie's little daughter was diagnosed with cancer also and has survived. Now that should be enough to make any mother or father want to support her.

It is a small world, when we look at how we, here in America, can support a woman in the UK who is working to benefit us all. Our wives, sisters and mothers.

We love you Noonie!

HNT - Play Thing

I was a clockwork doll that night,
and I turned left and I turned right
and when I fell and broke to bits,
they recomposed my wax and wits.

A Clockwork Doll
~~Dalia Ravikovitch


Time continues on. Bridges have been burned and reforged out of cindered remains. Some have fallen away, whilst others have rebounded. And in deep waters that run beneath the ever-flowing current I see reflected my simulacrum. The waves move my unmoving expression.

But it is merely a trick; this illusion of life.

A Memorial

Cometh the night. The wind falls low,
The trees swing slowly to and fro:
Around the church the headstones grey
Cluster, like children strayed away
But found again, and folded so.
In Flanders Fields
(The Night Cometh)
by John McCrae



On a sunny morning in 2001 nearly 3,000 people lost their lives in a stunning act of betrayal against humanity. The magnitude of their loss hit us all like a punch in the gut, however, we should never forget that each of the 3,000 was an individual-- with family, friends, children and lovers. The greatest loss was not in the totality, but in the loss of each individual. The passion in their lives, their laughter and the tears they shed in joy and pain were wiped away forever in a matter of hours.

Their loss should not be forgotten, nor the lesson we learned that day.
Every moment is precious.
We cannot have a single second back.
Make them all count.


Work while it is Day, the Night cometh when no man can work.
-Jesus

Who has left this hole in the ground?
Keith Olbermann


THe Memorial Hole

Blogger Gathering and Housewarming!

Tonight is the Hotlanta Blogger Gathering and Housewarming held in Decatur.
This one is unfortunately an invitation only affair as we are planning to tear up Pup's new house and puke in his bushes.

Pup has promised to hold my hair out of the way.
I do love him so.


We'll get to work on planning an open invitation blogger gathering here. I'm thinking a pre-Halloween gathering? Any suggestions?

Flugtag 88 Memorial 2006

Somebody who wasn’t there at this airfield probably can’t imagine the cruelty of the images, the burning people, their screams and their helpless looks. Only now I have got an inkling of how much a population must endure in any country when there is a war, a terrorist act, or some natural catastrophe.
~~Roland Fuchs

Edit video online at onetruemedia.com

It has been 18 years since Flugtag. It's hard to believe it's been so long.

In the time before I joined the Flugtag Group I had kept my experiences-- what little I could remember of them-- very much to myself. Then I read Rocket Jones and left my story there. I then wrote the story of my experience here. That post has now been included in Wikipedia, yes, that's right, I'm in Wikipedia. Along with others who were there and wrote their stories.

My story led to my being contacted by the father of the little girl I had seen on the gurney. He had been searching for all of those years for someone who had seen his daughter that day, 28 August 1988. You see, Nadine (I finally learned that was her name) was pulled from his arms in the aftermath, both of them very badly burned. She cried for her papa as she was dragged from his arms and that is the last time Roland ever saw her. He was taken away too, and was in hospital in a coma for 6 months.



Whoever would have believed that our paths would cross; Me here in the States and he in Germany 16 years later? And all from a post on a free blogsite?

We did find one another though. And he sent me a picture of Nadine to confirm if that was the child I had written of in my post. It was most definitely her. My heart soared at the possibilty of finding out what had become of her, only to be broken again when I learned that she had lingered at the German Burn Center before finally succumbing to her extensive injuries. She had just turned 5 a couple of weeks before the airshow disaster. Not only did I learn that Nadine had passed, but that Roland had lost his young wife that day also.



I shared everything I could remember of that meeting with Nadine with him and had my sisters translate it to German for me also. I then gave that account to Roland and he has added both versions to his website devoted to Nadine. He had created the website in hopes that someone out there might read and have seen Nadine on that day.
Here is the account as best as I could remember. Ramstein 1988

Roland and I have since become friends, sharing photos of our families. He is now married to a wonderful woman who is the light of his life and has children again. He tells me often that he never thought he would be happy again, but his prayers have now been answered and he has new reason to live.


This time each year I usually take inventory of my spiritual status. It is a time of reckoning for me personally. A time to acknowledge my shortcomings and to try to make restitution for wrongs. A time when I measure my own humanity and come to terms with my failings. I also weigh the impact my death might have on others. I look honestly at what I would have left them with. I try to rectify and cleanse my spirit.

It is a time for soul searching. And a time for setting to rights my own wrongs. After all, I own my sins. No one else may do that for me.

Please visit.
And remember.

Life is too short and death is too long to not weigh our impact on others.
For me this is a time of resolution.

The 1993 Flugtag Video Documentary approx. 16 min.

Edit video online at onetruemedia.com

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

 

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Letting Go

I don't care who's wrong or right
I don't really wanna fight no more
Don't care now who's to blame
I don't really wanna fight no more
(This is time for letting go)
Tina Turner

Sometimes things happen in life that make you take a long hard look at yourself. Sometimes we are confronted with the evidence of our own flaws.

I've recently had to take a step back and re-evaluate where I am in life. How close I am to becoming the woman I have always thought I would become.

I must say that it was difficult, in being truly honest with myself I not only had to see my own flaws, but in this realization I also had to accept that there are things within myself that I must work to change. I realized that I still have a lot to learn, I still have a lot of growing to do as a human being. That I still have a long journey ahead and, in order to continue it with grace and dignity, I still have a lot of work to do.

I have seen my own words laid out before me. Words that have unfurled from my own tongue have brought me to my knees as I saw the proof of my own hurtful nature. This was wrenching to my soul. To see, as an outside observer, the hurt that I can cause. This power to hurt is not something I have ever wanted.

As Adrian Mitchell wrote in 'To Whom it May Concern'
"I was run over by the truth one day.
Ever since the accident I've walked this way."

Life is a journey. There is still plenty of time left to fix the things within myself that I see as damaged, there is always enough time to think before I speak, to measure my words a bit more carefully, to ask the questions even though I may fear the honest answers.

Life is sacred. And every person who passes through mine has some place in it. Whether it be good or bad, every experience is an opportunity to grow. I must learn to appreciate all of the things that touch my life as part of my journey.

Down, down, down into the darkness of the grave,
Gently they go, the beautiful, the tender, the kind;
Quietly they go, the intelligent, the witty, the brave.
Edna St. Vincent Millay

All that will be remembered of me when I have gone to dust will not be how well others have treated me, but how well I have treated others. And that is where my road is forked. A time for new choices to be made. How to continue this journey in a way that brings me peace and serenity within myself.

The first step for me is letting go.

What will survive of us is love.
-- Philip Larkin

HNT - Gathering Girls

We laughed, we indulged in the most delectable carnivorous and chocolate delights. We slept together. The girls had one room with a king sized bed to ourselves. Yes, I know. It sounds kinky, but I swear it was just a normal slumber party - complete with manicures and drinking. Two things that should never mix!

Happy HNT everyone!
See the man who started it all.
Osbasso

Musical Monday - Sisterhood

The sisterhood trip.
We mixed the past and present and set it to the music from the trip.
Here we have our family and friends. I hope you enjoy watching it as much as we enjoyed creating it!

Happy Musical Monday!

Edit video online at onetruemedia.com

Gathering HNT - 1

This is the first picture from my trip.
On my way to the gathering.
Had to go shopping first!

Then Cheyenne had to flirt with the boys.

I think she found a new boyfriend.

And I got caught feeling Cleopatra up. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!
How embarrassing!
Guess I have a new girlfriend.


Leg two of the journey coming up soon.

HHNT!


HNT POSTS

Home at last!

The trip was wonderful.
Four hotels in 7 days.

We went to the Cherry Hill Mall and I took Cheyenne school shopping. Four pairs of incredible jeans for $60. You can't beat that!

I was also able to see Andy play at the sweetest little pub on the Hudson. I didn't get to see Sing Sing (some of my biggest fans are there) because it was late and raining, but I am working on a post on what a great bridge that was! Unfortunately I had to get right back, so we didn't have much time to hang out but I did get to hear him play and it was definitely worth the trip. I begged Andy to come to the gathering with me, it was only a train ticket away! But he had to work and couldn't make it.

The gathering was wonderful, although my feet are blistered on both sides. Ugh!
We'll all post and link so you can take the tour of Philly with us.

I'll have to wait a bit though. I am worn out and work is calling. But we'll tell you all about our adventure soon. It was a wonderful time. Lots of laughter and fun. Who would think that you could get that many strangers together and it would be so friendly? We all agreed that it felt more like a reunion rather than a first meeting. I swear I went to high school with those guys! It was just that kind of easy-going comraderie. We're already talking about the next one-- we decided that for the next one we'll bring our families with us. That was the only thing missing. Talking about our kids and our spouses made us all realize how much more fun it would have been if they had been there too. I jumped in with wanting to see New Orleans and the guys thought that would be great fun. Apparently davis' wife wants to see the big N.O. too. It's a shame that they're still cleaning up from katrina. That kind of knocked the wind out of the sails, but we will definitely come up with a cool place I'm sure.

The best part of this journey was realizing that these are people that I really like. So much! I wish we lived closer together. I wish we could have Superbowl parties and go school shopping together. I do hope we all get to meet on a fairly regular basis. Like that movie 'The Four Seasons'. Where the four couples meet for vacation a couple of times a year. Tagline: Here's to our friends... and the strength to put up with them. I hope we are friends for a very long time. I miss them all already.

So... pictures soon?
How about for HNT?



On a side note.
Menage a Trois has shut down and won't be coming back. A shame really, we never quite got settled in there. But there is nothing I was writing there that I can't write here. I do want to thank everyone for their support though. We'll move onto new adventures soon. My love to my sisters, Nina and Salacious Desires for allowing me to be a part of something that helped me to grow, both as a woman and as a writer.

A Special Time

My grandmother turned 82 today. It was a day of incredible celebration. She is as beautiful today as I can ever remember from my childhood. She is a woman of grace and soft voice. I lived with her when I was growing up. She was as much an influence on me as my own mother. I once wrote a short story about her titled 'While Rocking' when I was in college. I'll try to dig it up to share it, to celebrate the life of an incredible woman.

My daughter and I are also planning a YaYa Sisterhood trip with the women of my family this week. A time to travel together and share with my daughter the stories of our family history. We plan to open up the past, both dark and light, and pass on those stories that have been handed down through the generations.

Then I'm off to Philadelphia for the blogger gathering. A chance to see the historical sights and drink a lot of beer with people who have been my blogging family. Hopefully we'll be bringing back lots of pictures!

Until I return,
Much love to you all!



In other news...
Cheyenne has done a piece on her favorite movie star, Marilyn Monroe.
Yes, my baby has started her blog back up!
Unfortunately we messed up her links and sidebar when we made a new template, but she wants everyone to know that she will be re-linking after our trip.

See you there!