Witty Quotes by Brilliant Women

Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out.
But I can usually shut the bitch up with cookies.
Unknown


I refuse to think of them as chin hairs.
I think of them as stray eyebrows.
Janette Barber


Hollywood is a place where they'll pay you a thousand dollars for a kiss and fifty cents for your soul.
Marilyn Monroe

Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse.
Lily Tomlin

A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.
Carrie Snow

Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the hell happened.
Cora Harvey Armstrong

Laugh and the world laughs with you.
Cry and you cry with your girlfriends.
Laurie Kuslansky

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being, hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
Erma Bombeck

Old age ain't no place for sissies.
Bette Davis

A man's got to do what a man's got to do.
A woman must do what he can't.
Rhonda Hansome

The phrase "working mother" is redundant.
Jane Sellman

Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
Charlotte Whitton

Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
Caryn Leschen

If you can't be a good example--then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.
Catherine the Great

When I was young, I was put in a school for retarded kids for two years before they realized I actually had a hearing loss. And they called me slow!
Kathy Buckley

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb
- and I'm also not blonde.
Dolly Parton

If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them.
Sue Grafton

I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.
Roseanne Barr

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. Elaine Busler

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
Maryon Pearson

In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man.
If you want anything done, ask a woman.
Margaret Thatcher

I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.
Gloria Steinem

I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man, I keep his house.
Zsa Zsa Gabor

Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.
Eleanor Roosevelt





Currently Reading: What Will Happen in Eragon IV by Richard Marcus
Look for the review soon on my blogcritics writer profile page.

 

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I have had enough winter!

Stop touching my snow.
Or the snowman gets it!






Currently Reading: What Will Happen in Eragon IV by Richard Marcus
Look for the review soon on my blogcritics writer profile page.


This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

 

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Christmas Humor

The story of how the angel ended up on top of the Christmas tree.

When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out Heaven knows where.

More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom. Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little Angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The Angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"

And so began the tradition of the Little Angel on top of the Christmas tree.



(Repost)

Shakespeare for Telemarketers

Featured Blog: Fizzle and Pop

Collin is one of my oldest blogging buddies. We also worked together on the Fizzle and Pop Writing Forum a few years ago. A project that was a blast to be a part of, but extremely time consuming to moderate -- it ended with a fizzle and no pop.

That may have been my fault. I was moderating at the time and the last writing challenge ended with people wondering in comments if I was dead. And I was. Okay. No I wasn't. But don't tell them that. They might want their burial donations back.

So we never got to the voting stage on the last challenge. And now the writing forum stands as a memorial to the community of brilliant, witty writers who once played there. We may still have links on sites like a Harley Davidson shop who apparently thought their visitors would like the Motorcycles Vs Carousel Horses discussion. And the pet store who must have thought that when Collin wrote about 'petting his chinchilla' he actually meant a real chinchilla. I'm sure their visitors must get a kick out of it when they read and realize what he was actually talking about. Unfortunately this has become a Members Only section with a note from Collin:
These are games that are open to members only.
Because they're dirty and stuff.
The games.
Not the members.
I told you he was funny.

I was reading a post on the beefjerky blog on 101 Creative Ways to deal with telemarketers.
* Tell them you have that stuff for sale that they've always wanted, but this time it's gonna cost them. If they ask what stuff, tell them 'you know the stuff i'm talking about'

That made me laugh.

Then I read The Job Search Continues by Collin...

I came across a posting for "Phone Actors & Actresses"... I'm thinking "Sex Line." That, or perhaps they call up people and do Macbeth at them until they're paid to stop.

*ring*ring*

"Hello?"

"And oftentimes, to win us to our harm, The instruments of darkness tell us truths, Win us with honest trifles, to betray's In deepest consequence."

*click*

I thought to myself that perhaps if you combine the two...
Shakespeare For Telemarketers.



You might actually have a real solution to the telemarketer problem. I would recommend that you memorize some Richard III and recite it in a loud, obnoxious, Shakespearean voice. Think Lawrence Olivier... only louder and roll your rrrrrrrrrs longer.

Foul devil, for God's sake, hence, and trouble us not;
For thou hast made the happy earth thy hell,
Fill'd it with cursing cries and deep exclaims.
If thou delight to view thy heinous deeds,
Behold this pattern of thy butcheries...

Do not be detered from your speech no matter what they say on the other end of the line. This is war! You must bring them to their knees.


I hope you enjoy a visit to Collin's blog.
He's a brilliant, witty writer.

Nottingham Outlaws

This is my band.
This is our album cover.



The Band Meme

You are about to have your own band and create its album cover!

Follow these directions to the letter.
It's fun and requires no thought at all.

Go to......
1. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special:Random
The first article title on the page is the name of your band.
2. http://www.quotationspage.com/random.php3
The last four words of the very last quote is the
title of your album.
3. http://www.flickr.com/explore/interesting/7days/
The third picture, no matter what it is, will be your album cover.
4. Use your graphics program of choice to throw them together and
make your band's album cover."




I got this a while ago from kuanyin moi at Blog-Blond.

If you create an album cover please link to it in the comments.
I can't wait to see what you come up with!





Technorati Tags: humor, music, meme, blog-blond, bands, woodnotwood

News of the Weird

My mind is a dark place where brave men don't bother to tread.


My late great LOLsecretz kitteh, Spooky.
I miss his mischief.

The news from My Desk.
My modem went on the fritz so I vanished for a bit. But I'm back now.
Consider yourself warned.

I've been working hard to catch up on my Secret Brain Crush. He's as witty, caustic and brilliant as ever. I find myself humming this song by The Troggs after reading him. Sheesh.

Insomnia has kicked in full tilt boogie so don't be shocked if you see posts or comments appearing after the Witching Hour. I am, after all, a Creature of the Night. Mwahaha

The news from My Library.
I've just started reading The Fate of Katherine Carr by Thomas H Cook. The tale of a journalist who had given up his position writing about missing persons after the abduction and murder of his own eight year old son. He is drawn back into that world when an investigator introduces him to the case of a missing woman, Katherine Carr, a poet and writer who had disappeared 20 years previously. She had become a recluse after being attacked and the novel's main character, George Gates, loses himself in the mystery of her disappearance after reading her unpublished poems and a story she had written about the abduction of a woman--all of which looks to have been a presentiment of her own fate.
Sounds interesting, No?

The news from Missouri (or Misery, as we Yankee transplant infidel road-trippers call it): I had such high hopes after reading that MySpace Crazy Mom, Lori Drew, was actually going to be charged in the suicide case of Megan Meier. And now the conviction has been overturned? Apparently the laws on computer crimes are too vague. Is it going to take someone dying before they start taking Cyber Stalking seriously? Oh wait. That's already happened. I'm sure it's nothing that a little percussive brain therapy wouldn't cure.


The news from London: FJL has found God? Probably tried to get him to buy her drinks in a bar or maybe at an Internet Cafe where she definitely was not on the Internet, that was the Holy Ghost up to his old tricks again. He's such a joker, you know? Her sock puppets will vouch for her. She, and all of her personalities, were safe at home being beautiful, wonderful and completely sane.
What that means for the rest of the blogging world?
Jesus is her Co-Blogger.
The end is very frickin' Nigh.


Technorati Tags: Cats, Literature, London, Blogging, Stalker, woodnotwood

Mr. Bean - The Christmas Turkey

We're having a very Brit holiday!
Come join us!


Mr. Bean's Christmas - The turkey scene


Here in the states we listen to Nat King Cole, but across the big pond Slade is the number one band for celebrating the spirit of the season.


I'll be writing more about Slade in an up-coming post.

Happy Xmas Everybody!!!

Mr. Bean, Christmas, Turkey, Movie, Slade, woodnotwood

Have a Psycho Christmas

Christmas Carols for the psychologically challenged.

1) Schizophrenia---- Do You Hear What I Hear, the Voices, the Voices?

2) Amnesia-- I Don't Remember If I'll be Home for Christmas

3) Narcissistic-- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

4) Manic-- Deck The Halls And Walls And House And Lawn And Streets and Stores And Office And Town And Cars And Buses And Trucks And Trees And Fire Hydrants And......

5) Multiple Personality Disorder----We Three Queens Disoriented Are

6) Paranoid---Santa Claus Is Coming To Get Us

7) Borderline Personality Disorder--- You Better Watch Out, You better not Shout, I'm Gonna Cry, and I'll not Tell You Why

8) Full Personality Disorder--- Thoughts of Roasting You on an Open Fire

9) Obsessive Compulsive Disorder---Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells

10) Agoraphobia---I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day But Wouldn't Leave My House

11) Senile Dementia---Walking In a Winter Wonderland Miles from My House in My Slippers and Robe

12) Oppositional Defiant Disorder---I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus So I Burned Down the House

13) Social Anxiety Disorder---Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas While I Sit Here and Hyperventilate

14) Attention Deficit Disorder--We Wish You......Hey Look!! It's Snowing

This came in an email from a very dear old friend.
I miss you Chris!!!

Technorati Tags: Christmas, Humor, Songs, Psychological, woodnotwood

Spooky is an LOLSecretz star

It turns out that my cat Spooky has been keeping secretz from me.
Spooky's BIG Secret
Now who'd a thunk it?

It's a shame I had to go to LOLSecretz to find out.
But it does explain all of the trojans and viruses I've been getting lately :P


lolsecretz.blogspot.com is the meeting of two of the internet's most famous memes– PostSecret (the blog where people anonymously confess their deepest darkest secrets) crossed with Lolcat Macros (the phenomenon where people ascribe poorly spelled human emotions to animals).



A special thanks to O for the great captions! I laughed so hard when I read them that I almost wet myself.
Love you babe!


Spooky's next appearance will be on ICanHasCheezburger.com
I'll let you know when it's up. Can't wait to find out what other mischief my cat has been getting into while I'm stuck at work. Sheesh!

LOLSecretz, Humor, Cats, woodnotwood

My Epiphany

Christopher Walken is a God.


Christopher Walken gets a call from Marlon Brando on David Letterman - VIDEO



Check out who I'm talking to now:
Interviews From The Edge on Youtube or on Google+


Update 8-21-2014 - added video and html format changes.

Rules for commenting in the Forbidden Zone

Get your hands off my blog you d@mned dirty apes!

Welcome to the bi-annual, semi-simian, american anthropoid meeting of the Swirling Monkey's Babble Study Group.

The rules for this revival have been firmly set forth as follows:

1) You are required to comment only in Turret Zpeak as described in our invite to David. *Who has in no way agreed to be affiliated with us, but we don't care. We are apes, he is human. We will give him the hose if he dares to argue. Nothing worse than an uppity human.*

Like this:
I would f*ck sh!t h&ll love to join your sh!t b!tch group.

Right now I don't have a sl*t f*ck car. Can I n!pple @ss f*ck ride with you b!tch motherf*cker sh!t?

* This rule was never approved by David, but we shall blame him anyway - because he is young, attractive and we have a sneaky suspicion that he can zpeak. Something we loathe in our humans.

2) You must use zymbols in your Turret Zpeak, as in *&%$#@!!!.
Like all good Christian blogger-apes we may well approve of saying curse words, but not in writing them. Oh H&ll NO! We will heretofor refer to this as the 'Jocelyn Loophole'. *Don't ask why. Just seems like an appropriate name for a loophole.*

3) Please do not bite your neighbor.

4) Please refrain from picking fleas from your neighbor during lectures. There's plenty of time for that during the Orangutan's Reception after the group study.

5) Ants on sticks will be served after the meeting.
*This is 'bring your own stick week', Do not bother thumping your fists on the floor or pounding your chest if you forgot your stick. Besides prehensile hands (and feet, you lucky apes) you were also blessed with four opposable thumbs (except Curious George who should never have been allowed into that bakery without the guidance of the Man in the Yellow Hat) and a higher-than-human IQ --there is no excuse for not remembering to pick up your stick and bring it with you.

6) Please refrain from throwing poo until the guest speaker has finished his lecture. Anyone caught throwing poo during the lecture will be forcibly removed by the Gorillas and hosed in a 'human cage'.

7) Members of the Army of the Twelve Monkeys are forbidden from attending lectures. There are only seven of them as you well know. We feel it is a poor reflection upon all primates that they cannot count.