How is it that our own bodies can betray us so bitterly? That flesh once firm and muscle once powerful can so quickly turn on us, until we are just a shell of our former selves. It makes me ache. It makes me shudder to see such devastation of flesh when the mind and spirit are still so tenacious and potent.
now it is waiting... My uncle called and said there is no point leaving yet. He is passing slowly. No chance he'll recognize us or come to, just drugs from the pain and they turned off the ventilator. If we leave now he could linger for days- then 3 days for a funeral, we could end up there for days, maybe over a week, or we would have to leave for work and then go back for the funeral. So tonight we will stay together and just wait for word of his passing so we can make the arrangements to leave. Keeping the bags packed by the door. It is a 8 hour drive so we will need to leave right away.
It is not lost on me that the bags by my front door are very much like the bags we packed when I was pregnant, waiting for the birth of my child, this time waiting for word of his death. Is that irony? Is it satire?
My mind is wandering.
This is stage four lung cancer, there is no getting better. Just the slow snuffing of a human light. I am crying, and yet the feeling is more surreal than painful. Not like when my brother was murdered. That was a killing blow that struck my entire body, making me drop to my knees. This has been more like a flu that has drained my spirit and left me lethargic and worn down.
Update.
He passed at 3:45 PM on Wednesday June 28th.
We are beginning the long drive back to Ohio at 6 AM.
I want you to know that I appreciate all of your warm thoughts and prayers. My family thanks you too.
We will remain huddled around one another just a bit longer.
I will resume commenting when time allows. In the meantime I want to say that I miss you all. I miss this little cyber world where I have felt protected and cared for by friends far and wide.
One thing that I am reminded of is that we should all remember to say these things to each other-- You have touched my life in the most wonderful way. You have brought me joy with your affections. My life is better for having you in it.
That is what I feel tonight. Blessed. By all of the people who come here and share themselves with me. By the wonderful light you bring into my life.
