I was not bound. I let myself go completely; went
To those indulgences, half actual,
And half were turned about in my own brain;
Went into the illuminated night;
And drank strong wines, as when
The champions of pleasure drink strong wine.
I Went ~Constantine P Cavafy
I fell asleep early tonight.
I had put on 'Gone With the Wind' and soon the familiar dialogue began to lull me to sleep. I often fall asleep to one of my favorite old movies, 'Rebecca' by Hitchcock or 'Wuthering Heights'. Both of these star Sir Lawrence Olivier, my favorite actor from days gone by. Sometimes I put on 'Titanic', but it usually makes me have very sad dreams and I am trying to avoid that, so it has gone into the bottom of my 'sleep movie' stack.
Sleep was not my friend tonight however.
Like many nights I awoke and had trouble getting back to that restful state.
My mind has been restless of late, as have my hands. There is something of longing to this, longing for a time when the nights were full, when a restless spirit such as myself kept me from the darkest of night's spectres. That time is no more - and yet it resides somewhere near; in the whisper of wind upon the window sill, in the shadow of clouds racing across the moon. Forever trapped in memory as a still life, a moment frozen in time. And gazed upon from this distance, hands clenched into fists of torment whilst the mind reaches with fingers of desire for the past.
And so tonight, in this state, in this place of intimate remembering, I will once again unbind myself, and let memory take me where the body can no longer go.
That place where my heart resides still.
Happy Valentine's Day.
